Embarrassed

I had to look up how to spell it. I haven't cared for spelling since I got it in my head that autocorrect would take care of it. Ironic, blogger does not care for autocorrect. I was sitting here and thoughts that I cannot stop kept hitting me. I wonder, can i give other people psychosis by just them interacting with me.I hang on my moral compass tyo direct me. It is compiled of all the bad feelings I've experience along the way. Embarrassing, I am embarrassing and probably have been the entire way through for him. I never thought of it but today it hit me hard. I embarrrass my son. I wish it didn't make me feel bad, or that my feelings didn't hurt as bad. I suppose the alternative would be whatever version he would be if he just accepted me as I am. I don't want him to, just I don't my mother. I'm sure some won't understand, even what I am trying to express. I met a woman, her son is not embarrassed by her but I am embarrassed by them both. To think, I could have been her. I suppose there is still time to become like these people that I feel bad for. I made it to the left my mom is at, I am my mom. haha I remember being embarrassed by my mom. Wishing she could be my mom, instead of me being hers. And those thoughts hurt too. My niece came over last week, it triggered me for a couple of days. I think the following day, my younger sister called asking for things and I blew up. On her and my mother, I felt unheard... Like all the hard work I put in to making sure they have somewhere to live, that they have food, that their cars are legal, that the property is secured... I could keep naming things but I would further hurt myself with the information. Information that I never bothered to compile but as of lately, feels like I should so I can push myself off of the cliff and finally begin to live my life. To think that I spent 30 months on home confinement and the only person doing better is my younger brother. I get it, I get why my son is embarrassed of me. That he has been for as long as he could judge, good for him! I want my son to not just tap on his potential but to constantly exceed it! So, I sacrifice myself every day to make sure he is good. I don't think I am doing my very best but as of lately, I feel worse by the day. So, at least I'm still trying. Good for him, I hope he continues to see us as we are and that he only considers himself. Seeing my grandparents and my mother, my aunts and uncles, my sisblings and cousins. My son is better off without us!

Irene

Air coming in through the windows

Waiting a long awaited wait

Breeze caressing my skin

Trying to leave the think to the wind

For the wind can be fatal but a breeze can cradle

I feel like running through the rain

No longer words can describe

Cool rain drops touching my face

Erasing anything of you I could trace

Forgetting a sun that could burn

Embracing the dark sky

Which can simplify

Talking words that only lovers could understand

Silence in many words

Gravity not needed to land

We could live life like birds

Breeze caressing my skin

Thinking of not thinking

Trying to live for the kissing

A night to remember

For I have seen the light in this beautiful night

Rain to wash away fright

Dancing, bringing out our inner light

Tomorrows sunshine will sure to reinvite

Our thoughts to bring this night back to life

Intuition

When to trust your intuition.

Well, they say that intuition is more of a flight or fight mechanism vs actuality. In other words, it is

My Dear Friend Who I won't Speak to again

My dear friend

The one I’ve loved all my life

The one I’ve thought of before myself

Playing barbies

Fighting to be the worlds princess

Our little world where your my only friend

A world where we hold secrets

You finish my sentence & I know what your thinking

Being away for long periods of time

As we live life for the living

One of us more mad then the other

No more secrets & the barbies are locked in boxes

Our make up pushed to the side

Your new dear friend filled w/ jealousy

Keeping you to your new dear friend

Leaving me

To myself to fend

No more princess of the world

Cant finish my sentence for I wont speak to you a word

You see My dear friend

Your not keeping our friendship

I’m taking it & leaving it somewhere to someone

Someone who can keep it & not leave it to the air

The air who shall turn into wind

Blow our love away

No I shall not leave you our friendship

My dear old friend who I wont speak to again!

Freedom

August 2026. I thought I would do better than this. I was given a deadline, September 1st. I thought it was November, i'm sure i'm wrong and they're right. I began to lose track again of important things and that fell right in with the rest of the things I haven't been taking care of. I had a plan but I cannot remember what it was. When I was a kid the plan was, "get the fuck away from mom!" I got pregnant and that changed. When I think back, I don't recall being shamed out of getting an abortion. I recall thinking a lot, which I now call praying. I was in that basement alone. I heard a baby crying, I wasn't hearing delusions. It was my upstairs neighbor with their baby. The couple had had a baby and that cry, that's what made me keep my baby. It was a hard decision. I had met the man of my dreams. We were going to take over the world together. But then I got pregnant and he didn't wwant that. I thought he would be there for me but he wanted me to be there for him. I'm 35 now and that realization hurts so much! Today, my mother threw at me that I mooched off of her too. It brought me back to all the things I did to stay close to my family after the father of my son rejected me. I felt stupid and hurt. I'm laughing, genuinely at myself while tears fall down my cheek. I hate writing! I suppose that's why I stopped writing. Once I start, I can't stop crying. I wonder now, did Kendall throq my journals away to keep me from rereading them. I am ok. I will always be ok. I guess I have been lost for a really long time. Almost 19 years! & the last person that knew me from before then is dead! & I want to cry and scream and go jump in front a train. But I don't. Memories are so painful if you let them hurt you! I am so sad. I have so many people to call but I just want to pray and I have so much. I know, I have got to stop. I have got to move on from being my mother's daughter. But I never got a chance to enjoy her or my siblings or perhaps, I want to go back to all those moments and create a whole life of those memories. They don't remember. I feel so behind on everything. I thought I knew a good lot. Turns out that I don't know much at all.

My little man

I love him sooo much!!!

What is family?

It hurts. It feels like my insides want to come out regardless of what I want. It hurts and I know it will pass. For right now it hurts.

My earliest memories are accompanied by sorrow. I don't know if it will ever feel better when the memories come to mind. I've lived with these thoughts and I know they've begun to catch up to me. I think people can see them, my demons. I don't hide them, they just remind me of this ever lasting sadness.

I'm a writer or at least I use to be. I thought I was good but then why did I stop. One day he tore them up and threw them away. He told me that I would never be good for anything, especially not writing. I apologize pen and paper for leaving you the way I did. You kept me alive when I really just wanted to die.

I use to be a poet. You could feel my words in your soul. I use to write a lot and now I don't.

Today I found out that my family doesn't love me. I don't know what everyone's definition of love is. I know love and its so fucking beautiful. I felt it raw the day my son was born. I know they'll all show up at my funeral. I know when he dies, they will all try to console me. Right now, not all of them but many of them hate me. I feel that, I've felt that often and I no longer care to know why. Why has been irrelevant for a long time. I've been molested and raped by my own blood and I've forgiven them. no, I don't care for their hate. I could have hated too but instead I love them. I still do, that won't change.

What will change is how I treat them. What has changed is that now I understand why I've been left out of so much in the past 2 years. It hurts because I've wanted my son, our next generation to spend time with them. I know better now. I've been begging for affection that was never meant to come my way.

I sit here and feel lonely but just for this moment. I know love and its so beautiful, its worth dying for and I can't let their hate for me put me down. I allowed myself to feel it and I hope I never feel it again.