I've been sucked into social networking. I went from Myspace to Facebook to instagram. Twitter wasn't my thing, although i admit i have an account i doubt i can recall the password to. Here i am, a day after having deleted my instagram. Which btw had 758 followers & 2599 posts.
I'd hit this familiar point once or twice before. Prompted by my own internal feud. A feud between my need to live life & the want to fill something inside of me that is obviously empty. i actually deleted it, knowing that i could never get it back like facebook. All the pictures gone & all the videos never to be viewed again.
Since November 5th of 2014, i have learned a lot about myself. Social networking is one hell of a drug. I have poor people skills which sometimes work, depending on the social setting. I've become the type of mother i never thought i could be. I'm not that good at expressing my feelings to most other human beings. The last one, I've known for about a year now. It just so happens I'm learning a valuable lesson in regards to that now. Ironically!
Last year was a combination of never ending hell. Thinking back on it, it just kept getting worse. Idk if it was me or if it was inevitable circumstances but shit did i get shitted on.
I was afraid & a hint of fear still lurks within me. The fear that things won't get better, even though they have.
I remember her face like it was yesterday and then i realize that i don't remember it & it bothers me. I wonder if she remembers me. They won't allow me to see her & they are right to do so. I left her when she needed someone like me the most. When i got pregnant with Adan, i thought of her & i cried. When i got pregnant last year, she never came to mind but as time passed & i was no longer pregnant. Well the thought of her hurt me more than i could bare. She's growing up so beautifully, looks just like her mother with a hint of her father. Her father who sees her but never publishes it to the world. I thought of her until my insides turned and my head hurt.
When Adan went through that inappropriate, life altering situation. I thought of her & realized that i was better of not being her mother.
I met this guy on November 5th at a protest. He was full of mystery & now he's not. Not that i know him inside and out. More so that i have made all the connections as to why he is the way he is.
I deleted my instagram because i realized that it was getting in the way of living my life. Living my life the way i want to live it. I was relying on social networking for either acceptance or affection. Funny thing is that i got nothing but anxiety. I don't want to get ahead of myself. I mean, i only just deleted it yesterday. I'm on blogger today, who knows what may happen tomorrow.
I think I'm damaged in a way that cannot be fixed. I need a whole new life to let go of the pains this one has brought me. I want to wake up in the mornings and not dread the day. I want to be okay!
I'd hit this familiar point once or twice before. Prompted by my own internal feud. A feud between my need to live life & the want to fill something inside of me that is obviously empty. i actually deleted it, knowing that i could never get it back like facebook. All the pictures gone & all the videos never to be viewed again.
Since November 5th of 2014, i have learned a lot about myself. Social networking is one hell of a drug. I have poor people skills which sometimes work, depending on the social setting. I've become the type of mother i never thought i could be. I'm not that good at expressing my feelings to most other human beings. The last one, I've known for about a year now. It just so happens I'm learning a valuable lesson in regards to that now. Ironically!
Last year was a combination of never ending hell. Thinking back on it, it just kept getting worse. Idk if it was me or if it was inevitable circumstances but shit did i get shitted on.
I was afraid & a hint of fear still lurks within me. The fear that things won't get better, even though they have.
I remember her face like it was yesterday and then i realize that i don't remember it & it bothers me. I wonder if she remembers me. They won't allow me to see her & they are right to do so. I left her when she needed someone like me the most. When i got pregnant with Adan, i thought of her & i cried. When i got pregnant last year, she never came to mind but as time passed & i was no longer pregnant. Well the thought of her hurt me more than i could bare. She's growing up so beautifully, looks just like her mother with a hint of her father. Her father who sees her but never publishes it to the world. I thought of her until my insides turned and my head hurt.
When Adan went through that inappropriate, life altering situation. I thought of her & realized that i was better of not being her mother.
I met this guy on November 5th at a protest. He was full of mystery & now he's not. Not that i know him inside and out. More so that i have made all the connections as to why he is the way he is.
I deleted my instagram because i realized that it was getting in the way of living my life. Living my life the way i want to live it. I was relying on social networking for either acceptance or affection. Funny thing is that i got nothing but anxiety. I don't want to get ahead of myself. I mean, i only just deleted it yesterday. I'm on blogger today, who knows what may happen tomorrow.
I think I'm damaged in a way that cannot be fixed. I need a whole new life to let go of the pains this one has brought me. I want to wake up in the mornings and not dread the day. I want to be okay!
