What is family?

It hurts. It feels like my insides want to come out regardless of what I want. It hurts and I know it will pass. For right now it hurts.

My earliest memories are accompanied by sorrow. I don't know if it will ever feel better when the memories come to mind. I've lived with these thoughts and I know they've begun to catch up to me. I think people can see them, my demons. I don't hide them, they just remind me of this ever lasting sadness.

I'm a writer or at least I use to be. I thought I was good but then why did I stop. One day he tore them up and threw them away. He told me that I would never be good for anything, especially not writing. I apologize pen and paper for leaving you the way I did. You kept me alive when I really just wanted to die.

I use to be a poet. You could feel my words in your soul. I use to write a lot and now I don't.

Today I found out that my family doesn't love me. I don't know what everyone's definition of love is. I know love and its so fucking beautiful. I felt it raw the day my son was born. I know they'll all show up at my funeral. I know when he dies, they will all try to console me. Right now, not all of them but many of them hate me. I feel that, I've felt that often and I no longer care to know why. Why has been irrelevant for a long time. I've been molested and raped by my own blood and I've forgiven them. no, I don't care for their hate. I could have hated too but instead I love them. I still do, that won't change.

What will change is how I treat them. What has changed is that now I understand why I've been left out of so much in the past 2 years. It hurts because I've wanted my son, our next generation to spend time with them. I know better now. I've been begging for affection that was never meant to come my way.

I sit here and feel lonely but just for this moment. I know love and its so beautiful, its worth dying for and I can't let their hate for me put me down. I allowed myself to feel it and I hope I never feel it again.

Finale or Fate

I've been sucked into social networking. I went from Myspace to Facebook to instagram. Twitter wasn't my thing, although i admit i have an account i doubt i can recall the password to. Here i am, a day after having deleted my instagram. Which btw had 758 followers & 2599 posts.

I'd hit this familiar point once or twice before. Prompted by my own internal feud. A feud between my need to live life & the want to fill something inside of me that is obviously empty. i actually deleted it, knowing that i could never get it back like facebook. All the pictures gone & all the videos never to be viewed again.

Since November 5th of 2014, i have learned a lot about myself. Social networking is one hell of a drug. I have poor people skills which sometimes work, depending on the social setting. I've become the type of mother i never thought i could be. I'm not that good at expressing my feelings to most other human beings. The last one, I've known for about a year now. It just so happens I'm learning a valuable lesson in regards to that now. Ironically!

Last year was a combination of never ending hell. Thinking back on it, it just kept getting worse. Idk if it was me or if it was inevitable circumstances but shit did i get shitted on.

I was afraid &  a hint of fear still lurks within me. The fear that things won't get better, even though they have.

I remember her face like it was yesterday and then i realize that i don't remember it & it bothers me. I wonder if she remembers me. They won't allow me to see her & they are right to do so. I left her when she needed someone like me the most. When i got pregnant with Adan, i thought of her & i cried. When i got pregnant last year, she never came to mind but as time passed & i was no longer pregnant. Well the thought of her hurt me more than i could bare. She's growing up so beautifully,  looks just like her mother with a hint of her father. Her father who sees her but never publishes it to the world. I thought of her until my insides turned and my head hurt.

When Adan went through that inappropriate,  life altering situation. I thought of her & realized that i was better of not being her mother.

I met this guy on November 5th at a protest. He was full of mystery & now he's not. Not that i know him inside and out. More so that i have made all the connections as to why he is the way he is.

I deleted my instagram because i realized that it was getting in the way of living my life. Living my life the way i want to live it. I was relying on social networking for either acceptance or affection. Funny thing is that i got nothing but anxiety. I don't want to get ahead of myself. I mean, i only just deleted it yesterday.  I'm on blogger today, who knows what may happen tomorrow.

I think I'm damaged in a way that cannot be fixed. I need a whole new life to let go of the pains this one has brought me. I want to wake up in the mornings and not dread the day. I want to be okay!